I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
