Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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