I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
