My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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