This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
operation have a gay friend backfired
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
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You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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