If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
