Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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