I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
