In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
