Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
