if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he shaved USA in his pubs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize