Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
