If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
