Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
