I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
