my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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