Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
