The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
