Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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