she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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