UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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