Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
