I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
