I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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