We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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