I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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