Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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