You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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