I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
