Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
