So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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