my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
