she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
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The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
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No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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