im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
