If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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