had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
last night I used snow as a chaser
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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