Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
