I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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