Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
