put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
