see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
