put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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