Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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