Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
