FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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