yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the liver wants what the liver wants
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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