You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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