half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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