watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
