im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize