I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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