Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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