oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
